Idaho celebrates the return of the once and future king
BOISE — In a move that has political scientists reaching for the whiskey bottle, Idaho has officially declared itself Trump’s Personal Playground following the Supreme Court’s ruling that presidents are above the law, common sense, and basic human decency.
“But no one is above the law!” cries Supreme Court Justice Sottovoce.
“Except the King!” whispers the voice of revolution past.
Meanwhile, Lady Liberty does a faceplant in New York Harbor extinguishing the light of democracy once and for all.
In preparation for the upcoming Presidential Steal — er, Election — Idaho’s Ultra-Mega-Super-Duper Extreme Right Wing Patriot Freedom Liberty Eagle Party (UMSDERWPFLEPI) has kicked its freedom machine into overdrive.
Determined not to be hoodwinked again—all voting booths in red states are now run by the militia.
“We’re ensuring a fair and balanced election,” explained Militia Captain Gunther ‘Patriot’ Patterson, while adjusting his Trump 2024: This Time It’s Personal hat. “And by fair and balanced, we mean Trump wins or else.”
With the Supreme Court’s decision, Presidents Are Basically Gods Now, the UMSDERWPFLEPI sees a golden opportunity to turn Idaho into a glorious preview of Trump’s America 2.0.
“Why wait for the national election when we can start living the dream now?” declared Governor Bucky ‘Lock-n-Load’ McGunson, while christening the new state capitol building — a 50-story gold-plated replica of Trump Tower.
As the rest of the nation watches in slack-jawed amazement, Idaho barrels full-speed ahead into a brave new world where alternative facts reign supreme and the Constitution is more of a gentle suggestion than actual law.
State Senator Cletus ‘No-Dewey-Just-Do-Me’ Packerton fresh from his appointment as Idaho GOP Education Minister declared a national Trumped You day. In a press conference held atop a monster truck, Packerton announced,
“Idaho has always been Trump Country, but now we’re upgrading to Trump Kingdom!”
Anxious to be officially recognized as Trump’s Personal Playground, the Ultra-Mega-Super-Duper Extreme Right Wing Patriot Freedom Liberty Eagle Party of Idaho (UMSDERWPFLEPI) has implemented a series of increasingly questionable policies.
All residents must now dye their hair Trump Orange™ or face deportation to California
The official state dance is now “The Mar-a-Lago Shuffle,” a curious mix of golf swings and hamberder eating
A 50-foot gold-plated Trump statue will be erected atop every mountain, because why stop at just one?
All schools will now teach “Alternative Math,” where 2+2=whatever Trump says it does
“We’re just getting started,” cackled Speaker of the House Ivanka ‘Wannabe’ Jr. Queen, while adjusting her Make Nepotism Great Again tiara. “Next, we’re replacing all traffic lights with Trump’s mood rings. Green means go, red means go faster, and orange means ‘You’re fired!’”
As the state descends into a fever dream of gold-plated authoritarianism, some Idahoans are expressing concern.
“I love freedom as much as the next guy,” said Joe ‘Six-AR-15s’ Smith, local potato farmer and militia enthusiast, “but I’m starting to wonder if maybe we’ve gone a tad too far. I mean, do we really need to rename potatoes ‘Trump Tubers’?”
His concerns were quickly drowned out by the sound of bull horns screeching the national anthem (now just the word Trump repeated for two minutes) and the rumble of monster trucks painted to look like Trump’s hair.
As Idaho barrels headlong into its brave new world of consequence-free Trumpism, the rest of the nation watches with a mix of horror, fascination, and a sudden urge to invest in spray tan companies.
Will the Gem State become a shining beacon of authoritarian freedom, or will it collapse under the weight of its own alternative reality?
Only time, and the next tweetstorm, will tell.
In a final act of fealty, Idaho officially changed its state motto from Esto Perpetua (Let it be perpetual) to Esto Trumpetua (Let it be Trump forever).
God save the King. Long may he reign. And may his tweets be ever in our favor.
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