What If They Had a Revolution and No One Came?

Local uprising postponed indefinitely due to scheduling conflicts and general malaise

Revolution cancelled due to lack of interest.

News from the frontlines of my smartphone

SOMEWHERE, USA --- Revolutionary leaders expressed bewilderment this week after their carefully planned overthrow of the existing order attracted exactly zero participants, despite widespread dissatisfaction with literally everything.

"We sent out Evites three weeks ago," said would-be revolutionary Brianne Patterson, standing alone in what was supposed to be Liberation Square but turned out to be a Wendy's parking lot. "The RSVP rate was abysmal. Worse than my cousin's baby shower."

The revolution, tentatively scheduled for last Tuesday at 2 PM, was designed to address mounting concerns about wealth inequality, democratic backsliding, and the fact that a single avocado now costs more than most people's first car. Instead, organizers found themselves outnumbered by confused DoorDash drivers and one elderly man who thought he was waiting for the bus.

Excuses Pour In

Citizens contacted for comment offered a stunning variety of reasons for their absence. Marketing coordinator Jason Caldwell spent the afternoon optimizing his LinkedIn headshot while democracy crumbled around him, explaining he "would have totally been there, but had to update his professional brand." Local teacher McKenzie Bradford cited navigation issues: "My phone died and I didn't know how to get there without GPS. Plus, do you know how hard it is to find parking downtown? I'm not circling blocks for freedom."

Perhaps most tellingly, recent college graduate Tyler Thornton revealed the economic catch-22 of modern revolution: "I was going to join, but then I saw they were asking people to bring their own pitchforks. In this economy? Do you know what farm equipment costs? I'll just wait for the next one." College student Alex McCallister was "already behind" on a paper due next week, while the entire Riverside Neighborhood Association remained locked in a four-hour debate about whether revolution chants violated the noise ordinance.

Modern Obstacles to Insurrection

Revolution organizers hadn't anticipated how thoroughly modern life would complicate their coup attempt. The official start time of 2 PM conflicted with the lunch rush, afternoon conference calls, and the precise moment when everyone's energy drinks wore off.

"We probably should have made it an evening event," conceded co-organizer Kai Whitman. "But then you're competing with Netflix, dinner prep, and that weird time when everyone suddenly remembers they should exercise but doesn't."

The revolution's Facebook event page, which garnered 50,000 "interested" clicks and 12 actual attendees (including Whitman's mother), became a case study in the gap between digital engagement and physical participation.

The Comfort Trap

Dr. Linda O'Connor, a sociologist at State University, wasn't surprised by the turnout. "People are simultaneously outraged and comfortable," she explained. "They'll angrily tweet about injustice while sitting in climate-controlled rooms, having food delivered by an app, and streaming endless entertainment. The revolution has to compete with same-day shipping and memory foam mattresses."

Indeed, many potential revolutionaries were found to be busy with activities that directly contradicted their stated political beliefs. Environmental activist Oliver Little spent Revolution Day assembling IKEA furniture he'd ordered online, while anti-capitalist blogger Emylee Anderson was trapped in a three-hour Amazon return process.

The Billionaire Response

Reached for comment at his climate-controlled bunker/golf course, tech billionaire Preston Carrington III seemed unphased by the failed uprising. "Honestly, I had prepared a whole speech about how we're all in this together while I relocated to my New Zealand compound," he said, adjusting his solid gold toilet seat. "But it turns out I didn't need to bother. They're too busy arguing about whether the revolution should be gluten-free and disability-accessible."

Carrington's mansion, which reportedly has a dedicated wing for housing future indentured servants, remains unstormed. The cleaning staff positions he'd prepared for captured revolutionaries have been filled by unpaid interns instead.

The Streaming Option

Perhaps most damaging to attendance was the announcement that the revolution would be livestreamed. "Why would I physically attend when I can watch from home with better snacks and bathroom access?" asked viewer-participant Josh Miller. "Plus, the commentary is usually better online."

The livestream, which peaked at 847 viewers, attracted more engagement than the actual event. The chat filled with helpful suggestions like "you should have coordinated outfits" and "this angle is terrible" and "can someone unmute themselves?"

Several major brands have already expressed interest in future revolutionary attempts, with one marketing executive noting: "We see real synergy in the democracy-restoration space. Imagine the engagement metrics."

What Actually Happened

Meanwhile, at the designated revolution site, Patterson spent two hours alone in the Wendy's parking lot, occasionally checking her phone and buying a Frosty. The elderly man waiting for the bus eventually got picked up by his daughter. The DoorDash drivers completed their deliveries. A few teenagers on skateboards briefly considered joining what they assumed was a flash mob, but left when no music started playing.

By 4 PM, even Patterson had given up, posting a melancholy Instagram story: "Revolution cancelled due to lack of interest. Maybe next time. #StillBelieve #ChangeIsComing #WendysFrosty"

Plans for Revolution 2.0

Undeterred by the complete failure of their first attempt, organizers are already planning Revolution 2.0, scheduled for sometime next month, pending availability of the community center and resolution of their internal dispute about whether bringing pets should be allowed.

"We're considering making it a hybrid event," Patterson explained. "Maybe people can attend virtually from their couches. We're also looking into providing snacks and making it carbon-neutral."

The Real Casualty

As citizens remained safely ensconced in their respective comfort zones, democracy continued its slow-motion collapse, largely unnoticed between episodes of reality TV and arguments about whether pineapple belongs on pizza.

"The irony is that by the time people are uncomfortable enough to actually revolt, it'll be too late," noted political scientist Dr. Martin Webber. "But at least their phones will be charged and their streaming queues will be up to date."

At press time, the revolution has been rescheduled for next Thursday, assuming it doesn't conflict with the season finale of anyone's favorite show.

Reporter's Note: This article was written while the author was comfortably seated in a Keto-Friendly cafe with a Small-Batch Ceremonial Matcha Bulletproof Americano, tweeting about the importance of civic engagement.

See ya Thursday. Maybe.

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Image ©2025 Gael MacLean