This too can happen to you
BOISE — In a stunning upset, Idaho voters have decisively thrown out the incumbent Republicans and one Democrat in this week’s primary election, instead handing a landslide victory to a new third party — the Ultra-Mega-Super-Duper Extreme Right Wing Patriot Freedom Liberty Eagle Party of Idaho (UMSDERWPFLEPI).
Garnering over 85% of the total votes cast, the UMSDERWPFLEPI ran on a platform of preparing for government internment camps, quadrupling sentences for librarians and doctors, mandating concealed carry for all citizens including infants, replacing public schools with mandatory Bible study, and instituting public stonings for anyone caught wearing a mask.
“The people of Idaho have spoken, and they want FREEDOM!” shouted party chairman and newly elected governor Bucky “Lock-n-Load” McGunson as he fired an AR-15 wildly into the air at his victory celebration/militia rally.
“No more will we tolerate namby-pamby RINO Republicans who refuse to jail those who say ‘Happy Holidays."
With the UMSDERWPFLEPI in charge, we’ll turn Idaho into a far-right utopia that even our founding fathers couldn’t imagine in their most feverish freedom dreams!”
McGunson outlined his party’s plan for their first 100 days in office, which includes.
Expanding Idaho’s “Stand Your Ground” laws to allow shooting anyone who looks at you funny
Replacing all stop signs with signs reading “Don’t Tread On Me!”
Banning the teaching of Arabic numerals in schools as a socialist Muslim plot
Building a wall around Idaho to keep out Californians, soy lattes, and electric cars
Changing the state bird to the AR-15
“The woke mob has been OWNED by the freedom-loving patriots of Idaho,” declared UMSDERWPFLEPI Lt. Governor-elect Cletus “Tactical Diaper” Bundy.
“No longer will we live in fear of neo-Marxist radical Antifa transgender pandas using cancel culture to force us all to get vaccine microchips and eat bugs in the Satanic metaverse while China steals our precious bodily fluids!”
Outgoing Republican governor Brad Little expressed his shock at his party’s thrashing.
“I thought passing laws allowing any random jamoke to conceal carry without a permit was as far right as we could go, but apparently Idaho voters want something even more extreme,” lamented Little.
“The UMSDERWPFLEPI makes the Idaho GOP look like Bernie Sanders. I don’t know how I’m going to explain this to my kids, or my wife-cousin.”
Democrats in the state were despondent.
“We were already completely irrelevant before this. Now we’re like a fart in a Category 5 hurricane,” sighed state Democratic party chair Moonbeam Patchouli.
“I’m going to move back to Oregon where I belong.”
As the UMSDERWPFLEPI prepares to take the reins of power, newly-elected Attorney General Gunner “Snowflake Slayer” Libertson outlined his first priorities.
“We’re going to arrest every single librarian in the state and throw them in Gitmo. No more corrupting our precious children with demonic books like ‘Green Eggs and Ham’ and ‘The Diary of Anne Frank’!
We need to protect our kids with the Word of God and hollow-point bullets. Not Marxist propaganda like empathy and caring about the environment.
If God had wanted us to have empathy, he wouldn’t have given us the Second Amendment.”
Liberals were shocked, all three of us, and political pundits expressed amazement at the sudden rise of a third party to complete dominance in one of the reddest states in the nation.
CNN’s Chris Cillizz weighs in, “Just when we thought American politics couldn’t get any more batshit, the better-red-than-dead people of Idaho found a way.”
“It’s a bold strategy. We’ll see how it works out for them in the general, assuming any of us live that long.”
This would be hilarious if it were not as close to reality as it is. I applaud you for managing your stress, outrage, and terror in this creative, quasi-entertaining way.
Are you generating the art on this site with AI? It is so prolific and rich in detail that it is hard to imagine you have the time to generate it other ways especially while running a business and writing thought provoking posts like this one.
I'll be back!