Bans journalists and issues fatwa against Fauci
In an auspicious start to their reign of freedom, Idaho’s new Ultra-Mega-Super-Duper Extreme Right-Wing Patriot Freedom Liberty Eagle Party of Idaho (UMSDERWPFLEPI) held their first legislative session this week at an undisclosed location, believed to be a militia compound/doomsday prepper bunker somewhere in the rugged Idaho wilderness.
Journalists were barred from attending all of the proceedings and relegated to a small shed in a roped-off corner of the compound. They were closely watched over by armed guards and stripped search on the way out.
“We can’t have the lying fake news media twisting our words with their gotcha questions and insistence on facts,” declared Speaker of the House Mac “Ol’ Yeller” Bunkerton. “The only truth the people of Idaho need comes from the barrel of a gun and the Good Book!”
Among the UMSDERWPFLEPI’s first orders of business was issuing a fatwa calling for the apprehension and hanging of Dr. Anthony Fauci for his role in the scamdemic and spreading Chinese Communist lies like masks work and vaccines are safe and effective.
Governor Bucky “Lock-n-Load” McGunson announced a bounty of 10,000 rounds of ammo and a lifetime supply of ivermectin for any patriot who brings Fauci to justice.
The legislature also passed sweeping education reforms, replacing all pre-school curricula with mandatory target practice and Hunter Training to ensure Idaho’s toddlers grow up into responsible, armed citizens. As for the state’s libraries, those dens of socialist propaganda will be repurposed into ammunition factories and armories.
“The only books our kids need are the Bible and reloading manuals,” declared State Senator Cletus “No-Dewey-Just-Do-Me” Packerton.
Not all of the UMSDERWPFLEPI’s plans are going smoothly, however. An effort to replace Idaho’s water supply with Monster Energy Drink to fuel up patriots for the coming Holy Race War hit a snag when it was revealed that Monster is partially owned by Coca-Cola, a woke commie corporation. The bill was hastily amended to Brawndo instead.
Political pundits are watching the Idaho experiment closely.
“It’s a fascinating glimpse into an alternate universe where fantasy becomes reality,” mused Professor Polly Titzian of the University of Phoenix Online. “At the rate we’re going, The Onion might need to rebrand as a straight news site.”
As the UMSDERWPFLEPI ushers in its new era of ultra-right-wing extremism, responsible gun owners, book readers, and anyone to the left of Attila the Hun are eyeing the exits. U-Haul rental trucks were seen fleeing the state, loaded down with whatever possessions could be crammed in around massive gun collections.
For now, the people of Idaho seem content to embrace their state’s descent into a dystopian hellscape ruled by paranoid, heavily armed white men with fragile egos. As one local put it, “Sure, it might be a theocratic fascist nightmare, but at least we can open carry grenade launchers into Chuck E. Cheese now. Yeehaw!”
The rest of the country watches Idaho with a mix of horrified amusement and grim resignation, wondering if this is a glimpse into our collective future.
In the meantime, I’m investing in bulletproof vest futures and I just bought a Rosetta Stone course in Boogaloo-ish.
God Bless America and pass the ammo. You can’t make this sh*t up.
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