Right Wing Personality Disorder
Proposal for inclusion in the upcoming DSM-6:
Right Wing Personality Disorder
A newly identified condition afflicting a subset of individuals with extreme right-wing views. Key diagnostic traits include:
Compulsively stockpiles assault weapons in preparation for the imminent liberal zombie apocalypse. Sleeps cuddling an AR-15.
Suffers from chronic oppression delusions. Gripes about diversity initiatives oppressing them because they have to consider others’ perspectives.
Experiences intense arousal from bullying minorities and the less fortunate. Achieves climax upon uttering a racial slur.
A severe allergic reaction to facts, often breaking out in hives or rhetorical rash when presented with empirical data or scientific evidence.
Jerks off to Ayn Rand novels. Has a well-thumbed, crusty copy of Atlas Shrugged by the bed.
A steadfast belief that words do not mean what dictionaries say they do. For example, freedom means agreeing with me, and oppression is when their favorite TV show is canceled.
Believes all the world’s problems could be solved with more guns, lower taxes on the rich, and forced prayer in schools.
Constantly threatens to move to Canada if a Democrat wins, not realizing the immense irony. Never actually moves.
Loudly screams about the sanctity of life and the evils of abortion. Enthusiastically supports the death penalty, torture, and bombing brown people.
Believes their voice must be heard over all others, often resulting in shouting matches with inanimate objects like toasters that make their toast too brown. And televisions during news broadcasts that don’t align with their views.
The inclusion of Right Wing Personality Disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders reflects our commitment to exploring the full spectrum of human behavior, from the neurologically normative to the demonically deranged.
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