When Up Becomes Down: Spotting DARVO Before It Traps You

The Reality-Bending Magic Trick We All Need to See Through

Can you hear me yet?

I quit getting my news from legacy media or social media long ago. It's 99% bullshit no matter which side of center you stand. The further you stand from the center, the more shit is slung at you.

If you want the truth, or as close to it as you can get, you have to work for it. It's out there. My world is the storytelling world, and the ability to determine fiction from non-fiction is quickly becoming extinct. I asked myself: why do folks believe this extreme gaslighting and normalizing of aberrant behavior? From the personal to the political in our society, it has permeated all aspects of our lives.

So down the rabbit hole I went and discovered—DARVO.

"I never said that. You're always twisting my words. Now everyone will think I'm a monster because of your lies."

Sound familiar? You confront someone about something hurtful they did, and somehow, miraculously, you're the one apologizing by the end of the conversation. It's like emotional jiu-jitsu – you approach as the reasonable one seeking resolution and suddenly find yourself flipped onto your back, defending yourself against accusations you never saw coming.

This mind-bending experience has a name: DARVO—Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. It's not just frustrating; it's a calculated manipulation tactic that warps reality and shifts blame with devastating effectiveness.

Where Did This Mind Game Come From?

You can thank Dr. Jennifer Freyd for putting a name to this maddening experience. As a psychologist at the University of Oregon in the 1990s, she was studying trauma responses when she spotted something unsettling: when confronted about misconduct, perpetrators wouldn't just deny it – they'd flip the script entirely.

It was like watching a magician's sleight of hand: the accused becomes the accuser.

Black becomes white. Up becomes down. Democracy becomes a dictatorship.

What started as a pattern identified in sexual trauma cases has since been recognized in virtually every sphere of human interaction. It's the same trick whether it's happening in your living room, your workplace, the halls of Congress, or splashed across your news feed. And once you can see it, you'll never unsee it.

The Three-Step Reality Flip

Step One: The Stone-Cold Denial

It starts with a wall of "no" – not a nuanced disagreement or an alternative perspective, but a complete rejection of what you know happened:

"That meeting never happened."

"I never touched you."

"You've imagined the whole thing."

The key is the absolute confidence behind these denials. They're delivered with such unwavering certainty that you might actually start questioning your own memory. Did I get this wrong? Am I crazy? The more specific your recollection, the more forcefully they'll deny it – creating that dizzy feeling where suddenly you're not sure which way is up.

Step Two: The Counter-Punch

Just when you're still reeling from the denial, they go on the offensive. Instead of addressing what you actually brought up, they come at you:

Suddenly, your credibility becomes currency in a game you never agreed to play.

The counter-punch might target:

• Your character: "You've always been manipulative"

• Your mental stability: "Everyone knows you're unstable"

• Your motives: "You're just trying to get attention"

• Your history: "Remember when you lied about..."

It's brilliant, really. What began as "hey, you hurt me" has somehow morphed into "prove you're not crazy/vindictive/attention-seeking." The original issue? Totally forgotten in the chaos of defending yourself.

Step Three: The Grand Flip

Here comes the masterstroke – the complete inversion. Now the person who hurt you transforms into the wounded party:

"I can't believe you would hurt me like this."

"Your accusations are destroying me."

"I'm the one being abused here."

Watching the person who wronged you suddenly don the cloak of victimhood is truly disorienting. Worse, it taps into our instinct to comfort the wounded. Before you know it, bystanders (and maybe even you!) are consoling the very person who caused harm in the first place.

The script has been completely flipped – and that's exactly the point.

Why DARVO Works So Well: Our Culture's Blind Spots

DARVO isn't some random tactic – it works because it exploits specific cultural values and blind spots that we all share:

Our obsession with reputation and public image creates the perfect environment for DARVO to flourish. When someone's social standing becomes more sacred than truth-telling, merely accusing them becomes seen as a worse sin than whatever they actually did. And if they're already powerful? They have entire PR teams and legal departments ready to craft their reality-bending narrative.

Watch how celebrities or politicians accused of misconduct immediately reach for terms like "cancel culture" or "witch hunt" – language that transforms them into the persecuted victim. It's brilliant because it taps into our cultural anxiety about fairness while completely dodging the actual allegations.

The powerful don't just avoid mirrors – they hire people to convince us they have no reflection at all.

DARVO Goes Prime Time: How Media Makes Manipulation Mainstream

Our 24/7 media environment hasn't just reported on DARVO – it's become the perfect amplification system for it. Here's how:

When "Balance" Becomes Bias

In their quest to appear "fair and balanced," media outlets often become unwitting accomplices:

• They'll show the irrefutable evidence... right alongside the categorical denial

• They'll report character assassinations of whistleblowers without questioning the attacks

• They'll broadcast those tearful "I'm the real victim" interviews that make great TV but terrible journalism

• They'll treat the accuser and accused as equally credible "sides" regardless of evidence

Watch how the media cycle itself gets weaponized: On Monday, a politician flatly denies wrongdoing. By Wednesday, they're attacking their accuser's character on talk shows. Come Friday, they're giving tearful interviews about being "persecuted" – and somehow, the original misconduct gets lost in the circus.

Algorithm Accomplices

Ever wonder why social media seems to be a DARVO wonderland? Follow the code:

• A flat, outrageous denial gets way more shares than a nuanced explanation

• A vicious attack on an accuser's character generates mountains of clicks and comments

• A tearful "I'm the victim here" video triggers protective instincts and goes viral

The truly disturbing part? These algorithms are actually training public figures to use DARVO more often and more effectively. When manipulation gets more views, more engagement, and more sympathy than accountability does, guess which path becomes the obvious choice?

The Slow Poison of Normalization

The most insidious effect is how watching DARVO tactics work day after day gradually reshapes what we consider normal:

• Outright lies get rebranded as "alternative facts" or just "different perspectives"

• Character assassination becomes just standard "defense strategy"

• When powerful people claim they're the "real victims," we barely raise an eyebrow

• The original wrongdoing gets forgotten in the drama that follows

It's like watching a magic trick so many times that you stop being amazed by it. DARVO stops looking like manipulation and starts looking like just "how things work" – which means we're more likely to accept it in our workplaces, our relationships, and even use these tactics ourselves.

Varieties of DARVO Across Contexts

Intimate DARVO

In personal relationships, DARVO often operates beneath the radar of witnesses. When a partner confronts controlling behavior: "I only check your messages because you've been so distant lately. You're the one with trust issues making me feel like a criminal."

Institutional DARVO

Organizations employ these tactics collectively: denying systemic problems, attacking whistleblowers' motivations or methods, and positioning themselves as victims of unfair scrutiny or financial harm from allegations.

Public DARVO

Celebrities and public figures leverage their platforms to deny wrongdoing, attack accusers' credibility, and reframe themselves as targets of jealousy, political vendettas, or mob mentality.

The spotlight becomes both weapon and shield.

Media DARVO

Media organizations themselves can employ DARVO when criticized:

• Denying bias in coverage ("We're completely objective")

• Attacking critics' motivations ("They just want to silence journalism")

• Positioning themselves as victims of anti-press sentiment

These tactics are particularly effective when media outlets can present themselves as underdogs fighting powerful interests, even when they themselves wield significant cultural power.

Partial DARVO

Not all instances include all three components. Sometimes manipulators employ only denial and attack without explicitly claiming victimhood, or they skip denial entirely and move straight to counterattack and victimhood.

The Invisible Mechanics

DARVO works because it exploits fundamental psychological vulnerabilities:

• It creates cognitive dissonance through gaslighting

• It leverages our instinctive aversion to conflict

• It exploits social discomfort around accusations

• It takes advantage of power differentials

• It plays on cultural tendencies to seek "both sides" of every story

• It taps into media consumers' attraction to drama and controversy

For the manipulator, DARVO serves multiple functions simultaneously. It allows them to evade accountability, preserve their self-image, maintain narrative control, and often successfully isolate and discredit accusers.

Your DARVO Detection Kit: Spotting the Trick Before You Fall For It

The first lie creates a world where truth becomes a stranger.

Here are your red flags – the warning signs that DARVO is happening right in front of you:

Warning Sign #1: The Lightning-Fast Subject Change

They pull this move so fast you'll get whiplash: "When I mentioned the missing money, he immediately started talking about my spending habits from three years ago." If they instantly switch from what they did to what's supposedly wrong with you, your DARVO alarm should be blaring.

Warning Sign #2: The Emotional Tsunami

Suddenly they're sobbing uncontrollably, raging dramatically, or appearing utterly devastated – making your original concern seem cruel by comparison. This emotional flooding hijacks the entire conversation. The bigger the emotion, the harder it is to get back to the actual issue.

Warning Sign #3: Wait, How Did I Become the Bad Guy?

The most disorienting sign: You started by addressing something harmful they did, but somehow you're now frantically defending your basic right to even bring it up. If you feel this bizarre role reversal happening, you've been DARVO'd.

Warning Sign #4: The Ridiculous Overreaction

You brought up something relatively minor: "Hey, why did you miss our appointment?" But their response suggests you've committed an atrocity: "I can't believe you're trying to destroy my reputation like this!" This absurd proportionality gap is a telltale DARVO move.

Warning Sign #5: The Media Shell Game

In the public sphere, watch how coverage shifts from the original allegations to endless analysis of the accused's emotional denial. When a politician's tearful defense gets more airtime than the evidence against them, you're watching DARVO play out on a mass scale.

The Human Impact

For those targeted by DARVO, the effects can be profound and lasting:

• Reality distortion and self-doubt

• Inappropriate guilt for causing apparent distress

• Reluctance to raise concerns in the future

• Psychological distress, including anxiety and shame

• Social isolation when others believe the reversed narrative

You begin to question not just what happened, but who you are.

Research by Freyd and colleagues demonstrates that DARVO tactics effectively sway neutral observers, who often end up sympathizing more with the accused than the accuser after witnessing a DARVO response.

Your Anti-DARVO Toolkit: Fighting Back Against the Mind Games

When you're on the receiving end of DARVO, these strategies can help you stay grounded:

Find Your Reality Anchors

Keep close contact with people you trust who can reassure you that no, you're not crazy, and yes, that really did happen. These reality anchors are your lifeline when someone's trying to make you doubt your own perceptions.

Spot the Pattern, Not Just the Incident

Instead of getting caught in the weeds of "but that's not exactly what happened," zoom out to see the recurring playbook. "This is the third time you've turned a discussion about your behavior into an attack on my character" is much more powerful than debating details.

Document Everything

The gaslighter's greatest weapon is your fuzzy memory. Keep records, save texts, take notes after conversations. It's not paranoid – it's protection against having your reality rewritten.

Set Your Conversational Boundaries

Decide in advance what productive communication looks like and when you'll disengage: "I'm happy to discuss this when we can focus on the original issue, but I won't participate in conversations where my character is attacked."

Be Kind to Your Confused Self

That disorientation and self-doubt you feel? It's the natural result of dealing with manipulation, not a sign of weakness. The confusion is a normal response to abnormal communication.

Develop Your Media BS Detector

When consuming news, train yourself to notice the DARVO red flags:

• The denial gets front-page treatment while the evidence is buried

• The accuser gets put through the wringer while the accused gets softball interviews

• The story morphs from "What did they do?" to "Look how they're suffering from these accusations"

Beyond Individual Interactions

Understanding DARVO illuminates not just personal dynamics but broader societal patterns. The same tactics that silence individuals in relationships operate at scale in institutions, cultural discourse, and media narratives.

Small gaslights eventually become cultural bonfires.

The Political Weaponization of DARVO

When manipulation tactics scale to national politics, the effects ripple through our entire democratic system. Consider the press conference where a politician, caught in a contradiction about healthcare policy, responds: "I never said that about preexisting conditions. The media is twisting my words again because they hate me. They're trying to destroy this administration with these witch hunts while we're just trying to help the American people."

This isn't just poor communication—it's DARVO in action.

Media-Political DARVO Synergy

The relationship between political DARVO and media amplification creates a particularly potent dynamic:

1. Politicians deploy DARVO tactics in response to allegations

2. Media outlets seeking "balance" present these responses alongside evidence

3. Partisan media may amplify attack and reversal phases

4. Audiences become emotionally invested in the "victimhood" narrative

5. The substance of original allegations fades from public consciousness

6. The cycle repeats with each new controversy

This symbiotic relationship distorts public discourse and erodes accountability mechanisms essential to democratic governance.

Institutional DARVO in Political Rhetoric

There's evidence that DARVO is being used as a systematic strategy at an institutional level in American politics. Researchers have proposed the concept of "Institutional DARVO" as a systems-level extension of the personal manipulation tactic, particularly in how it's been deployed to undermine anti-racism movements and Critical Race Theory.

Deflection from Accountability

In political discourse, we often see classic DARVO patterns when politicians face criticism or allegations. Political figures may use various forms of gaslighting as forms of DARVO, while publications have analyzed how certain politicians have "perfected the art of inverted victimhood" through deny, attack, reverse tactics.

The Reversal of Victimhood in Public Discourse

One particularly effective aspect of political DARVO is how it can influence public perception. Research shows that when DARVO tactics are deployed, observers often end up with increased sympathy for the accused and decreased sympathy for the accuser. This manipulation of audience perception makes it an especially powerful tool in the public political arena.

Media Normalization of DARVO

When media outlets repeatedly expose audiences to successful DARVO tactics without essential framing, several concerning effects emerge:

1. Baseline Shifting: What once seemed manipulative gradually appears normal

2. Tactics Adoption: Audiences learn these techniques work and may deploy them in personal contexts

3. Truth Fatigue: The constant battle over basic facts exhausts public attention

4. False Equivalence: The idea that "everyone does this" normalizes manipulative behavior

   
   

This normalization process doesn't require malicious intent—only the routine pursuit of engagement, conflict, and simplified narratives that drive modern media economics.

Specific DARVO Patterns in Current Politics

Culture War Narratives

In today's political landscape, we see senior leaders attempting to cover up questionable behavior through DARVO tactics. For instance, controversial actions might be attributed to other factors rather than acknowledged as problematic. When criticized, they attack their accusers by pointing out perceived flaws or accusing them of similar behavior, ultimately portraying themselves as the true victims.

Take the congressional hearing where, when confronted with evidence of ethical violations, a representative responds not by addressing the allegations but by launching into an emotional speech about being persecuted for their political beliefs—transforming substantive criticism into a narrative of martyrdom.

Policy Debates Transformed into Victimhood Claims

When policies face criticism, rather than engaging with the substance of critiques, some politicians:

1. Deny - Reject the premise of criticism entirely

2. Attack - Question the motives, character, or patriotism of critics

3. Reverse - Position themselves and their supporters as victims of unfair persecution

Media and Information Management

Research suggests DARVO can operate at wider societal levels, including when media organizations promote certain narratives that discredit those speaking up about problems. These tactics become more successful when they can exploit existing societal beliefs and stereotypes to convince audiences of an alternative narrative.

The Impact on Democratic Discourse

The use of DARVO in politics and its amplification through media has serious consequences for democratic dialogue:

1. Deterioration of Accountability - When legitimate criticism is reframed as persecution, it becomes nearly impossible to hold officials accountable

2. Reality Distortion - The public becomes uncertain about basic facts when strong denial and counternarratives are consistently deployed

3. Emotional Escalation - Political discourse becomes increasingly emotionally charged as substantive policy discussions are replaced by accusations and claims of victimhood

4. Polarization - DARVO tactics deepen division by creating defensive postures among different political groups

5. Media Cynicism - Trust in journalistic institutions erodes as they appear either complicit in or manipulated by DARVO tactics

Bullshit-Proof Media Citizenship: Breaking DARVO's Spell

Knowledge isn't just power—it's your psychological bulletproof vest. When you can spot the DARVO pattern unfolding in real-time—whether on your TV screen or your social feed—you've already disarmed half its power. As one expert puts it, "probably your greatest asset is knowledge." Seeing the manipulation coming means you won't be blindsided when the reality-flip happens or trapped in those maddening circular arguments designed to exhaust you into surrender.

What starts as a gaslighter's personal playbook can infect our entire civic conversation. When these tactics scale up to CNN panels and congressional hearings, they don't just mess with individual minds—they corrode our collective ability to hold anyone accountable for anything. But we're not helpless in this funhouse of distorted mirrors. Here's your reality-protection toolkit:

Sharpen Your BS Detector:

1. Keep your eyes locked on actual policies and actions when someone's trying to drag you into an emotional mud fight

2. Develop that "strategic skepticism" reflex—the one that kicks in the moment someone's tearful response seems a bit too perfectly timed

3. Notice when every headline trumpets the denial while burying the receipts in paragraph seventeen

4. Watch for that telltale moment when coverage mysteriously shape-shifts from "What happened?" to "Look how they're suffering from these accusations!"

5. Spot when media gives more airtime to an accused person's "ordeal" than to the evidence against them

See the Forest, Not Just the Trees:

1. Track the pattern across incidents—that third time someone deflects is no coincidence

2. Curate your information diet like your mental health depends on it (because it does)

3. Learn to recognize when "But I'm the real victim here!" is actually the closing move in a manipulation strategy

Join Forces With Reality Defenders:

1. Put your clicks, subscriptions and shares behind journalism that doesn't fall for the DARVO dance

2. Call out the pattern when you see it—naming the trick helps others see through it too

3. Build communities that make manipulation expensive instead of rewarding

This isn't just about being smarter media consumers—it's about being citizens who refuse to let reality itself become a partisan issue. When we collectively develop immunity to these tactics, the spell weakens. The Emperor's new DARVO has no clothes when we all agree to see what's actually there.

The Magic Stops Here: From Recognition to Resistance

Seeing DARVO for what it is—whether it's happening in your living room, your Twitter feed, or your favorite news program—is the first decisive step to disarming it. When you can name the magic trick as it's happening, it loses its power to confuse and disorient.

But personal awareness is just the beginning. We need to build communities and systems that recognize these patterns of evasion and manipulation. When we collectively refuse to accept DARVO as normal, we create space for real accountability.

Imagine conversations—personal and public—where deflection doesn't work. Where attacking the messenger gets called out instead of amplified. Where claiming victimhood when you've caused harm gets met with a clear "nice try" instead of sympathy.

That world starts with each of us learning to spot the pattern, refusing to play along, and helping others see it too. The more we can recognize DARVO—in our relationships, our media diet, our workplaces and our politics—the less power it has to distort our shared reality.

The magician's trick doesn't work when the audience knows how it's done.

---

Images ©2025 Gael MacLean

Inspired by Arthur C. Brooks - A Defense Against Gaslighting Sociopaths