UMSDERWPFLEPI implements strict “Blackness” authentication process
Idaho’s Ultra-Mega-Super-Duper Extreme Right Wing Patriot Freedom Liberty Eagle Party of Idaho (UMSDERWPFLEPI) Launches ‘Operation Ebony Guarantee’
In a move that has left Idahoans scratching their heads and reaching for their dictionaries, the state’s Ultra-Mega-Super-Duper Extreme Right Wing Patriot Freedom Liberty Eagle Party (UMSDERWPFLEPI) has announced its latest initiative: “Operation Ebony Guarantee.”
The party, known for its creative interpretation of both the Constitution and reality, has declared that “once you have been black, you can never go back” and is implementing a rigorous testing process to verify claims of blackness.
“Idaho may be 91% white, but by golly, we’re going to regulate the heck out of that other 9%,” declared UMSDERWPFLEPI spokesperson Potato “Spud” McGee, adjusting his star-spangled cowboy hat. “It’s time to put some clear boundaries on who can and cannot claim to be black in our great state. And let me tell you, it’s not as simple as looking in the mirror anymore. Only true Black Idahoans may apply.”
While the rest of the country debates critical race theory, Idaho has skipped ahead to critical race practice.
The new verification process involves a series of tests that would make even the most dedicated Oregon Trail pioneer think twice about crossing state lines. Here’s a breakdown of the rigorous examination process.
1. The “Real American” Idaho History Quiz
Participants must answer questions about Idaho history using only information found on potato sack labels and Boise airport souvenir shot glasses. Sample questions include:
In what year did Idaho’s famous potatoes single-handedly win World War II?
How many times has the shape of Idaho been miraculously spotted in a perfectly fried hash brown pattie?
Name three U.S. Presidents who were secretly born in Coeur d’Alene
“Look, if you can’t tell me how many potatoes Lewis and Clark ate on their journey, are you even a real Idahoan? This test separates the true patriots from the blackness posers.” — Spud “The Starch” Johnson, UMSDERWPFLEPI Education Chair
2. The Idaho Cultural Appropriation Obstacle Course
Navigate through a series of rooms decorated in stereotypical Idaho themes without accidentally enjoying any of them. Challenges include:
Resist the urge to tap your foot to a bluegrass rendition of “Take Me Home, Country Roads” (modified to “Almost heaven, West Idaho”)
Avoid sampling artisanal huckleberry-potato fusion cuisine
Refrain from trying on a non-ironically-worn cowboy hat
Don’t Instagram the wall of vintage Idaho license plates
“We’ve got to protect our culture from those who’d wear our cowboy hats ironically. This course ensures only genuine Black Idahoans can appreciate our way of life.” — Rancher Randy Rockwell, UMSDERWPFLEPI Cultural Preservation Officer
3. The Gem State Ethnic Food Fear Factor
Contestants must identify “foreign” ingredients in classic Idaho dishes while looking suitably alarmed. Requesting hot sauce is grounds for immediate disqualification. Tasks include:
Find the “suspicious spices” in a plate of finger steaks
Identify the “un-American” elements in a huckleberry pie
Point out the “globalist agenda” hidden in an Idaho sunrise cocktail
Explain why adding tofu to an Idaho baked potato is a threat to state values
“If you can’t spot the globalist agenda in a huckleberry smoothie, you’re part of the problem. This test keeps our taste buds pure and our restaurants free from coastal elite woke influence.” — Chef Cletus “Clean Plate” McGee, UMSDERWPFLEPI Culinary Purity Expert
4. The Boise Microaggression Detection Test
Scrutinize a series of completely benign statements about Idaho and find something to be offended about in each one. Examples:
Idaho has beautiful mountains and forests
Boise is becoming a tech hub
I love Idaho’s four distinct seasons
The Snake River is a great spot for water sports
“Saying Boise is becoming a tech hub is basically a slur against our potato farmers. We’re training real Idahoans to spot these subtle attacks on our traditional values and our one-color-only-potato-skin policy.” — Karen “The Complainer” Thompson, UMSDERWPFLEPI Sensitivity Oversight Committee
5. The Great Idaho Potato Purity Test
In this rigorous examination, participants must prove their “Idaho Blackness” through a series of potato-related challenges:
Correctly name 50 potato varieties in under 60 seconds.
Carve a perfect scale model of the Idaho State Capitol building using only a potato and a plastic spork.
Trace your family lineage using different potato dishes. (Example: “My great-grandfather was a twice-baked, my grandmother a vodka martini…”)
Predict a potato’s future by reading its eyes. Bonus points for foreseeing the next big potato famine.
Disguise yourself as a potato convincingly enough to fool a team of professional harvesters.
Design and build a working potato clock that keeps perfect time according to “Idaho Standard Time” (which is whenever we say it is) and doubles as a still.
“We believe these tests will separate the truly Idaho Black from the merely Montana Mocha,” McGee stated proudly. “And remember, once you pass, there’s no going back. We’ll be watching from our strategically placed potato silos.”
Critics have called the new measures “absurd,” “potentially illegal,” and “a waste of taxpayer money that could be better spent on fixing those dang potholes on I-84.”
However, UMSDERWPFLEPI remains steadfast in its commitment to racial gatekeeping, Idaho-style.
“Look, we’re just trying to bring some order to the chaos,” McGee explained, gesturing wildly with a french fry. “Next on our agenda: determining who qualifies as ‘ethnically ambiguous’ for our annual Boise River Festival. It’s a tough job, but someone’s got to do it.”
As Idaho grapples with this new racial classification system, one thing is certain—the potato harvest just got a lot more complicated.
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