UMSDERWPFLEPI Declares—No Lawn Left Behind (Unless It’s Liberal)
In a move that has left even the most dedicated potato-counters scratching their heads, Idaho’s Ultra-Mega-Super-Duper Extreme Right Wing Patriot Freedom Liberty Eagle Party (UMSDERWPFLEPI) has unveiled its latest stroke of political genius: “Operation Lawn & Order.”
“We’re bringing democracy right to your doorstep, whether you like it or not!” declared UMSDERWPFLEPI spokesperson Cletus “Freedom Fries” McGillicuddy, while polishing his red, white, and blue dentures. “It’s time to separate the true patriots from the secret socialist potato sympathizers!”
The new law mandates that every Idaho household must display a 6-foot campaign sign on their property, visible from outer space. In a nod to bipartisanship that would make George Washington roll over in his grave (and possibly start digging), citizens are given the choice between two pre-approved slogans: “Hunters For Trump” or “God, Guns, and Trump.”
“We’re all about options here,” explained McGillicuddy, gesturing to a life-size butter sculpture of the former president arm-wrestling a grizzly bear. “You can choose to support Trump as a hunter, or as an armed theologian. See? Democracy in action!”
Distribution of the signs is already underway, with the Idaho National Guard repurposing its fleet of crop-dusting planes to airdrop Trump signage into the most remote corners of the state.
“If a liberal falls in an Idaho forest and there’s no Trump sign to trigger them, did they really fall?” mused Colonel Spud “The Starch” Johnson, lead pilot of the operation.
The funding for this ambitious project comes from a creative reallocation of state resources.
“We’ve simply siphoned off a teensy bit from the education budget,” McGillicuddy explained, air-quoting the word ‘education.’ “After all, what’s more educational than a giant Trump sign on every lawn? It’s like a civics lesson you can’t escape!”
To ensure compliance, the UMSDERWPFLEPI has implemented a series of penalties for those who fail to display their mandatory enthusiasm.
Forced participation in a 72-hour Tucker Carlson eye-squinting contest.
Mandatory attendance at a Mike Lindell pillow-fighting seminar, where participants must defend their honor using only MyPillows stuffed with shredded copies of “The Art of the Deal.”
Reassignment of voting rights to the nearest roadkill.
Revocation of potato privileges for life, including french fries, vodka, and those little potato head toys.
Deportation to California (with a complimentary tofu-scented farewell package and a lifetime subscription to the Avocado Toast of the Month Club).
“We’re just trying to make Idaho great again, again, and possibly a third time if necessary,” said McGillicuddy, adjusting his “Make Potatoes White Again” trucker hat. “And if that means turning every front yard into a shrine to our favorite former president, well, that’s a small price to pay for freedom.”
The implementation of “Operation Lawn & Order” has its challenges. Claiming they’ve stumbled upon Idaho’s most exclusive gated community bewildered retirees are setting up lawn chairs and hosting potluck dinners in front of the gargantuan Trump signs.
Local wildlife has been thrown into disarray, with confused deer attempting to mate with the cardboard cutouts.
In response to these unforeseen complications, the UMSDERWPFLEPI has launched a series of educational initiatives.
“We’re launching our ‘No, It’s Not a Trump Tower, It’s Just a Sign’ educational seminar for the chronically confused,” explained Betsy “Baked Potato” Jones, head of the newly formed Department of Misguided Settler Prevention. “And for our furry friends, we’ve introduced ‘Don’t Hump the Trump’ forest ranger patrols.”
The environmental impact of the initiative has also raised eyebrows. Idaho environmentalists, all two of them, have expressed concern about the carbon footprint of producing and distributing millions of oversized campaign signs. In response, McGillicuddy unveiled the party’s green initiative.
“We’re proud to announce that all our Trump signs are 100% biodegradable. Made from compressed potato peels they will naturally decompose into freedom mulch within 50 to 75 years.”
Critics have called the new measures “a bit much,” “definitely unconstitutional,” and “wait, is this real life?” However, UMSDERWPFLEPI remains committed to its vision of a unified Idaho, united under the banner of mandatory political expression.
“Look, we’re just trying to bring some order to the chaos,” McGillicuddy explained, while absent-mindedly building a wall around his mashed potatoes. “Next on our agenda: determining the exact decibel level of patriotism. Is your ‘USA! USA!’ chant loud enough to deter socialism? Stay tuned!”
The international community has taken notice of Idaho’s bold new direction. North Korea’s Kim Jong-un reportedly called to ask if the UMSDERWPFLEPI was interested in a cultural exchange program, while Vladimir Putin sent a congratulatory bare-chested horseback riding photo with a note reading, “Now you’re speaking my language!”
As Idaho braces for its transformation into a life-size MAGA rally, one thing is certain — the 2024 election just got a lot more visible, whether anyone wants it to be or not. And remember, in Idaho, democracy isn’t just a right — it’s a mandatory landscaping feature.
Local real estate agents have reported a curious trend in the wake of the new law.
“We’re seeing a surge in demand for homes with exceptionally small front yards,” said Realtor Randy “The Ranch” Ricketts. “Turns out, people are willing to pay a premium for properties where they can technically comply with the law while minimizing their Trump signage footprint.”
The economy is booming with a thriving black market emerging for sign-shrinking services. Underground “sign shrinkers” offer to reduce the mandatory 6-foot signs to more modest dimensions through a variety of creative means, including origami techniques and advanced potato-based compression technology.
As the sun sets on another day in the Gem State, the giant Trump signs cast long shadows across the landscape, serving as a reminder that in Idaho, you can run, but you can’t hide from democracy. It’s right there on your lawn, whether you like it or not.
Authors note: Inspired by actual signs in my hood.
Comments