MTG to Lead Charge Against Science-Sorcerers
⛔️ CONTENT WARNING: NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART
In a move that has left even the most dedicated chemtrail enthusiasts questioning their grip on reality, Idaho’s Ultra-Mega-Super-Duper Extreme Right Wing Patriot Freedom Liberty Eagle Party (UMSDERWPFLEPI) has officially crowned Marjorie Taylor Greene as their honorary “Queen of Climate Control.”
The party vows to support Her Royal Hurtness in her noble quest to hunt down and imprison the nefarious scientists responsible for manipulating the weather and causing everything from hurricanes to stubbed toes.
The Smoking Gun: A 208-Year-Old Patent
Queen MTG, resplendent in her tinfoil tiara and wielding a scepter fashioned from a rolled-up copy of “Climate Change for Dummies,” dramatically unveiled her smoking gun: a suspiciously well-preserved patent from 1816 detailing the release of “weather whirling dervishes” into the atmosphere.
“Behold!” she cried, holding the document aloft like a holy relic. “Proof that these science sorcerers have been plotting against us for centuries! These ‘dervishes’ grow over time, causing everything from bad hair days to full-blown climate catastrophes!”
UMSDERWPFLEPI spokesperson, Cletus “Freedom Fries” McGillicuddy, nodded sagely.
“It’s all there in black and white… and some suspicious water stains that we’re pretty sure are Al Gore’s sweat.”
Operation Dervish Hunt
The UMSDERWPFLEPI, never one to let logic stand in the way of a good witch hunt, has launched “Operation Dervish Hunt.” This multi-pronged assault on reason includes:
Mandatory “Dervish Detectors” on every Idaho rooftop, cleverly disguised as satellite dishes playing non-stop reruns of “Duck Dynasty.”
A state-wide ban on spinning, twirling, and any dance moves that might be mistaken for dervish behavior.
The immediate arrest of anyone caught reading a thermometer or looking suspiciously at clouds.
A generous bounty for turning in suspected “climate manipulators,” payable in coal and “I❤️CO2” bumper stickers.
The War on Weathermen
Local meteorologists have gone into hiding, with several spotted fleeing towards the Canadian border disguised as tumbleweeds.
“They’re the worst offenders,” Queen MTG declared. “Always ‘predicting’ the weather. Ha! More like controlling it with their Doppler radar voodoo!”
In response, the UMSDERWPFLEPI has replaced all weather forecasts with a magic 8-ball and a joint statement from a groundhog and a woolly bear caterpillar.
A Bright Future (Unless the Sun is Part of the Conspiracy)
As Idaho braces for this new reign of climate chaos, Queen MTG assured citizens that a glorious future awaits.
“Once we’ve jailed all the scientists and weather witches, Mother Nature will finally be free to do as she pleases… which is obviously to provide perfect, 72-degree days year-round with light showers only between 2 and 4 AM.”
When asked about the potential economic impact of imprisoning the entire scientific community, McGillicuddy scoffed.
“Economy? That’s just another tool of the climate-industrial complex! Real patriots barter with freedom and exchange goods for conspiracy theories.”
As the sun sets on another day in the Gem State (assuming the sun isn’t part of the grand conspiracy), Idahoans can rest easy knowing that their lawns are patriotic, their weather is un-manipulated, and their queen is on the hunt for those pesky, atmosphere-dwelling dervishes.
Please citizens—if you see something, say something… unless it’s factual or scientifically accurate. In that case, keep it to yourself or risk joining the scientists in the UMSDERWPFLEPI’s new “Climate Conspirator Correctional Facility”(formerly known as the University of Idaho).
God bless America, and may the dervishes have mercy on us all.
🗽🗽🗽
I shit you not!
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